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The Hedgehog Dilemma at 90 Miles an Hour
- Meg Steinschauer, MBA
- May 7
- 10 min read
Ever feel like the harder you work at leading your team, the more disconnected you become? You’re acing the Slack pings, smashing the metrics, and managing in every direction like a pro. But somewhere in the blur of back-to-back meetings, you realise you haven’t had a single meaningful human moment all week.
That’s when I remembered the hedgehog dilemma. A quirky philosophical metaphor? Sure. But also a startlingly accurate way to describe what it feels like to lead in fast-paced, high-pressure environments.
Today, we’re unpacking how the hedgehog dilemma plays out in modern leadership and, more importantly, how you can foster real connection with your team without losing your edge.
What Is the Hedgehog Dilemma?
The Hedgehog Dilemma is a psychological and philosophical concept that describes the tension between the human need for intimacy and the pain that intimacy can cause.
It originated with Arthur Schopenhauer, a 19th-century German philosopher, who observed that humans, like hedgehogs on a cold winter night, seek closeness to stay warm. But when they get too close, they inevitably hurt each other with their “spines”, emotional defences, insecurities, past experiences. So they withdraw, only to feel the sting of loneliness. And so the cycle repeats.
‘The need for warmth brings us together. The fear of pain keeps us apart.’ – Inspired by Schopenhauer’s Hedgehog Dilemma
Later, Sigmund Freud referenced the idea in his essays on group psychology, framing it as a metaphor for the psychological balancing act we all perform: the desire for closeness versus the instinct for self-protection.
When you’re leading teams, this emotional tug-of-war doesn’t disappear, it just puts on a crisp shirt and enters your morning stand-up.
It shows up in more polished, less prickly forms:
You want to build trust, but chaos and deadlines leave no time for heart-to-hearts.
You crave connection, but showing vulnerability feels unproductive—and risky.
You’re in constant contact, yet feel fundamentally alone in the work.
Because here’s the thing about high-performance environments: closeness feels like a liability. When everything’s moving at 90 miles an hour, friction isn’t just inconvenient; it’s counterproductive. So we adapt. We streamline, compartmentalise, and keep things “professional.”
Until one day, we realise, we’ve become hedgehogs in tailored blazers. Efficient. Focused. And just a little bit spiky.
Why Emotional Distance Costs More Than We Think
On the surface, maintaining strict professionalism might seem like the smartest choice. It feels efficient, straightforward, and, most importantly, safe – especially when you're juggling a packed schedule and everything's moving at full speed. It creates an illusion of control, no unnecessary complications, no drama, no vulnerable moments shared during a hectic Monday. Just smooth, streamlined execution.
But here’s the catch: we’ve all seen how this story unfolds. While emotional distance might seem productive in the short run, it often comes with long-term costs we fail to notice at first. And these costs? They don’t just chip away at our emotions. They affect us psychologically, relationally, and even in terms of performance.
Research shows that while keeping emotions at arm’s length might feel like self-protection, it can actually harm our well-being. It drains our inner resources and slowly deteriorates the relationships we depend on, both at work and in our personal lives (Morris & Deterding, 2016; Frank et al., 2021).
What Emotional Distance Looks Like at Work
It doesn’t always present itself in obvious or dramatic ways. Often, it’s understated, quietly woven into a “professional” demeanour. Here’s how it might show up:
Burnout
No productivity tip can fix it. You and your team are drained, running on empty, and it feels like there’s no relief in sight.
Disconnected Teams
The process runs like clockwork, strategies are rolled out, workflows run smoothly, but that feeling of camaraderie and mutual support is missing.
Loneliness
Even with an overfilled inbox and back-to-back meetings, there’s a growing sense of isolation that’s hard to shake.
Relational Fatigue
You’re present and working, but it feels like you’re playing an endless role. Pretending to be "fine" all the time is exhausting.
The Psychological Cost
Scientific studies back this up. Emotional distance, especially after challenging or stressful events, has been linked to prolonged post-traumatic stress and slower mental recovery. A lack of a sense of belonging, or the feeling that we matter, can hinder our ability to heal in the long term (Morris & Deterding, 2016).
At work, the constant effort to regulate emotions and maintain an immaculate professional persona leads to what’s called “emotional depletion.” This state saps our psychological energy, heightens the risk of counterproductive behaviour, and reduces our capacity to support or collaborate with others (Frank et al., 2021).
And that distant, professional culture? It ripples throughout the organisation.
When Leaders Withdraw, Teams Follow
When leaders unintentionally project emotional detachment, it sends a message, even if they never explicitly voice it. Teams pick up on these cues, mirroring the emotional reserve of their leaders.
Mirroring Behaviours
If a leader keeps their distance, others follow suit. Conversations dwindle, and collaboration becomes mechanical.
Reduced Initiative
Team members might withhold ideas or energy, not because they don’t care, but because showing genuine passion feels risky.
Lack of Engagement
People are present in meetings, but their creativity, enthusiasm, and innovative thinking are left behind.
Over time, this emotional coolness affects workplace culture. Tasks keep getting completed, but the people driving the work begin to fade into the background.
The Wider Impacts of Disconnection
When we emotionally detach, we lose access to one of humanity’s greatest resilience tools, social support. Research shows that individuals with disconnected or strained support networks struggle more with stress, feel less recognised, and are at greater risk of emotional exhaustion (Morris & Deterding, 2016).
Even trying to suppress feelings, moving from “I’m overwhelmed” to “I’m fine” to match professional expectations, takes effort. This emotional detour uses up precious energy, affecting daily performance, decision-making, and interaction with others (Frank et al., 2021).
Meanwhile, the emotional labour carried by many, particularly leaders and those in service roles, often goes unnoticed. This lack of recognition heightens disengagement and further exacerbates exhaustion (Moran & Ronen, 2021).
How Can We Change This?
It begins by recognising that leadership is more than hitting targets or executing tasks. Leadership is about fostering an environment where people feel seen, safe, and valued as humans.
The next time you find yourself defaulting to emotional restraint, keeping cool to maintain control or just “get through the meeting”, stop and ask yourself one critical question:
Am I leading people, or just managing tasks?
Because in reality, your team doesn’t need a flawless, unfeeling leader in a sleek suit. They need a human leader, someone ready to set the tone with empathy and authenticity. Someone willing to go first.
What Do Our Leadership “Spines” Look Like?
If you’re wondering what these protective spines look like in high-pressure workplaces, you’re not alone. Most of us wear them daily, often without even noticing.
They’re not malicious. They’re survival strategies. Well-practised, well-polished ways of navigating urgency, complexity, and responsibility. And on the outside, they often look like leadership. But underneath, they’re protective layers, ways of keeping others at a safe distance without ever saying, “I need space.”
Here are a few that might hit a little too close to home:
Hyper-independence
“Don’t worry, I’ll handle it.”
You became reliable by necessity, and now it’s your default setting. Delegating feels inefficient, asking for help feels like weakness, and letting go of control feels... unthinkable. You wear competence like armour, but it’s heavy, and it isolates you.
Ruthless prioritisation
“Unless it’s actionable in the next 10 minutes, I’m not engaging.”
You’ve trained yourself to filter signal from noise, and that’s valuable. But when everything non-urgent becomes irrelevant, you miss the human signals: subtle team tensions, unspoken fatigue, quiet cries for connection. Not everything that matters fits neatly on a roadmap.
Unflappable as a mantra
“I’m fine, it’s all fine, everything’s fine.”
You’ve mastered the art of calm under pressure. But somewhere along the way, “resilient” turned into “numb.” You downplay your stress to stay composed, but others start to think you don’t feel it at all. And that makes it hard for them to be real with you, too.
Laser-sharp focus
“Stick to the agenda. We don’t need a chat about the weather.”
Efficiency is your superpower, but it can become a wall. When you cut out the small talk, the humour, the moments of connection, you also cut out trust-building. The best teams aren’t just aligned on strategy, they’re connected on a human level.
"The most dangerous leadership myth is that leaders need to be infallible. What they actually need is to be human.” - Brené Brown
And let’s be honest, these traits aren’t bad. In fact, they’re probably a big part of why you’re crushing it in your role. They get things done. They keep the chaos in check.
They help you move quickly, make decisions, and maintain a sense of control when everything around you is shifting.
But here’s the rub: When these behaviours become habitual, your only mode of operation, they stop being tools and start becoming armour.
Armour that keeps others from seeing you. Armour that tells your team it’s not safe to be anything less than perfect. Armour that gradually disconnects you from the people and purpose you care about most.
So if you recognise yourself in any of the above, good. That’s not failure. That’s self-awareness. The goal isn’t to throw away your strengths. It’s to soften the edges just enough so others can meet you there, spine and all.
Because strong leadership isn’t about having no spines. It’s about knowing when to put them down.
Getting Close Without Getting Stabbed (Metaphorically, of Course)
Here’s the uncomfortable truth no one tells you about the hedgehog dilemma: there’s no clean solution. No hack. No template. The friction of closeness, the risk of being misunderstood, disappointed, or left emotionally drained, is part of the deal. It’s unavoidable.
But that doesn’t mean you have to live in constant “protect and defend” mode. There are ways to lead with warmth while staying grounded. It just requires intention, and a willingness to lean into a bit of awkwardness in pursuit of deeper connections.
“People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.” — Theodore Roosevelt
Here’s how I’m learning to bridge the gap without losing the plot:
Build Warmth Into the Workflow
Why it matters: Connection doesn’t need to sacrifice productivity. If anything, it makes everything else run smoother.
You don’t need to organise group hugs or host three-hour team bonding sessions. Simply sprinkle in small gestures of humanity. Start a meeting with a quick check-in. Send a lighthearted “happy birthday” message on the chat channel. Celebrate an oddball milestone, like someone’s pet achieving minor Instagram fame.
These moments won’t derail your team’s progress; they’ll energise it.
Action Step: This week, introduce one “human” touchpoint into your team’s routine. Allow space for the person behind the role.
Practise Micro-Vulnerability
Why it matters: Leaders set the emotional tone. If you’re closed off, so will your team be.
You don’t need to bare your soul at the weekly meeting. A small admission can have a big impact. “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed today.” “That last discussion left me uncertain.” These aren’t overshares, they’re signals. They tell your team, “We can be real here.”
Action Step: At your next check-in, share one honest, light, but meaningful, insight about how you’re feeling. Not to vent, but to set the tone.
Resist the Efficiency Reflex
Why it matters: Hyper-efficiency often comes at a cost... connection.
It’s tempting to rein in a wandering discussion or skip the pleasantries to save time. But what may feel “off-topic” could be someone working their way towards saying something important. Cutting the conversation short could silence what might never be shared again.
Action Step: Pick one meeting this week where you consciously allow space for pauses. Resist the urge to “tidy up” the discussion too quickly.
Find Your Own Huddle
Why it matters: Leadership requires emotional generosity, but it’s hard to give from an empty tank.
Being a leader can feel isolating. You need a space where you’re allowed to simply be, without the weight of leadership. It could be a friend who knows the subtext of “I’m fine,” a mentor who reminds you of your potential, or a casual chat over a pint. Whatever or whoever it is, lean on them regularly.
Action Step: Schedule a check-in this month with someone who supports you, not just your work. Honour it. No rescheduling or cancellations.
Getting closer to those you lead doesn’t mean letting down your guard completely or being overexposed, it’s about choosing moments of connection, even if they come with a touch of awkwardness. It’s a skill, a practice, not something you flip a switch on.
The goal isn’t to lose your protective spikes. It’s to know when to tuck them away.
And sometimes, it begins with just asking sincerely, “How are you really?”
Connection Isn’t About Losing Your Spines
Here’s the thing about the hedgehog dilemma: it’s not meant to have a tidy solution.
You’re going to poke. You’re going to get poked. That’s the deal.
Proximity has its costs.
But distance? That’s a whole different price.
It doesn’t protect you, it isolates you.
The goal isn’t to shed your spines entirely.
Efficiency, calm, focus, those are your superpowers. They’ve carried you through chaos and helped you lead with clarity.
But they shouldn’t come at the expense of real connection.
Start small.
Notice the dynamic.
Be a touch warmer.
Listen an extra beat longer.
Because here’s the quiet truth: everyone looks a bit sharp when all they really want is to connect.
Even you.
Go on, give it a go. You’re worth it.
Meg ✌️
♻️If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it today.
P.S. - Want to Dive Deeper?
We’ve established that emotional distance might keep things tidy, but it’s not where real leadership lives. If you’re curious about how to lead with a bit more heart without losing your edge, I’ve got more where this came from.
Explore more on embracing balance, emotional resilience, and real-world leadership here:
📖 Freud’s reference in Group Psychology and the Analysis of the Ego Hedgehog's dilemma - Wikipedia
📖 Schopenhauer, A. (1974). Parerga and Paralipomena: Short philosophical essays (E. F. J. Payne, Trans.). Oxford University Press. (Original work published 1851)
📖 Freud, S. (1922). Group psychology and the analysis of the ego (J. Strachey, Trans.). Boni and Liveright. https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/35877 (Original work published 1921)
📖 Morris, K., & Deterding, N. (2016). The emotional cost of distance: Geographic social network dispersion and post-traumatic stress among survivors of Hurricane Katrina.. Social science & medicine, 165, 56-65. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2016.07.034
📖 Frank, E., Matta, F., Sabey, T., & Rodell, J. (2021). What does it cost you to get there? The effects of emotional journeys on daily outcomes.. The Journal of applied psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000908
📖 Moran, N., & Ronen, S. (2021). Emotional costs of service labor: do consumers care?. Journal of Services Marketing. https://doi.org/10.1108/jsm-03-2020-0085
P.P.S.
Why do I even have the nerve to write this? Fair question.
I’m someone who’s spent years working alongside incredible executives, navigating chaos, translating vision into action, and figuring it out (sometimes the hard way) as I go. I’ve had the privilege of being the right hand to some truly inspiring leaders, learning through every challenge, misstep, and breakthrough.
I also happen to have an MBA (if that counts for anything), and I’m currently studying psychology, mostly because people fascinate me. How we work. Why we disconnect. What actually makes us tick.
But really, none of that is the point.
I’m just here to share what I’ve learned in case it helps someone else. Take what’s useful. Leave the rest. And remember: you’re probably doing far better than you give yourself credit for.
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